Void in my heart

I have a deep seated distress within me. I have no idea how it has come to be, but I think I feel betrayed, I feel neglected, I feel I am lonely and I have this deep hunger for God to speak to me.

It has been two if not more months before I could actually fast and pray. Though, as a leader I have been thrust on the altar to lead in prayer, or song or to preach and have stood there and asked God to give his children what he wanted them to get, I feel my spiritual life has been either stagnant or regressing.

It has become even more difficult to go through the bible, and recently I was telling myself that I needed to memorise scripture so that I do not necessarily need to carry my bible. And here I am stuck between wanting to memoraise and not reading the bible at all.

Am just reminding myself that we do not fight with what we see, neither do we fight against flesh and blood but against spirits of the present darkness, against principalities against powers. So it is that the resolve I made in my heart is being fought!!

I have just made a decision, that liking it or not, i am going on a fast, and I am going to read a scripture a day.

At church on Sunday, we went through the GCU card which has among other things a prayer, commitments and a song. On the commitment bit, I relayed the words in my mind and this sort of shook me into place.

1. To pray daily so that I be a strong christian.
2. To read my bible everyday so that I learn the ways of God.
3. To attend faithfully church services, bible study groups and GCU meeting
4. To give my tithes and other gifts to ensure the smooth flow of God's work
5. To excersice self control, to be truthful before God and to lead a holy life..

The pledge:
I pledge to go in the peace of the Lord and to be a strong, committed member of the GCU with God as my helper..

I realised that keeping away from the house of the lord, or from people with the like mindedness was really not working in my favour.

The whole accountability partner that my friend and I had talked about was necessary in my life if I were to grow and develop into a truly God-fearing, prayerful, dedicated and loving person I so aspire to be.

What more of career choices and Christ's kingdom. My prayer has been  and remains that whatever direction of study i undertake God, let it be to your glory. Let me use that which you have allowed me to be trained into for your kingdom.

At the end of it all, is not our whole duty to praise, worship and glorify God? Is that not Ecclesiastes tells us, that the whole duty of man is to fear God and keep all his commandments?

I have a void in my heart, because I feel I have not been faithful to your word Lord. I need my smile back Lord, I need to be your child forever.

Teach me your way that I may walk in truth, give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name, in Jesus name, 
         Amen