A moment to weep

One way or the other, as humans, we are bound to break out. I have. I guess what I needed the most was just a moment to scream and shout and pray loudly. After so much time, staying in the house and just singing praises and hardly reading the bible, I felt an urge to just shout it all out.

I still am yet to do it - actually, I hope to do so this day when I walk into church. Why have I felt so?

There are these circumstances where as a leader, you need to be strong for those you lead. At times, you have to take the beatings and look alright. Though deep inside, one is vulnerable. I am torn between so many emotions and I really dont know how to deal with them. Maybe the best is to deal with one after the other - but i am not sure how to separate the emotions.


At the one hand I am happy, excited, great, at the other side, i am sad, I am in pain, I am confused, I feel lonely, I feel shut out, I feel excluded - I feel neglected.

Is that all? No, I feel like I am losing the grip I had or was building on my faith in God. Like each little event is shattering me, bit by bit. This is my first open confession i guess, of exactly how I am feeling right now.

I have confessed of the goodness of Christ, though at times it has been difficult. That I would ask to be exposed to that goodness, is not a lie.

I am grateful at all that I have, but I have questioned that 'God, there are other people out there who have all I have got and more, yet they do not even acknowledge your presence, so why does it have to feel like an uphill task for me to get what I am asking for - what I need, when I am your child?'

I have questioned God. I have felt as though there was an injustice somewhere. But I have also asked God if I am not being selfish.

Maybe thats where I have a problem, trying to judge myself and not allow God to do his bit. God sees what is in the heart. Now my question comes back to, what is my motive? What is on my mind? What is in my heart?

My biggest prayer has been if anything, let God be my guide in all that I do. that let God be in control of my life for all things.

I have no idea how tomorrow is going to be like, but i want to live a life where i am able to trust God for all my needs.

Today, it is the first step that i am making. It is insignificant before God or rather inmy view , and it may sound crazy - it sounds crazy to me and there are so many voices making rounds inside of me that are just not in agreement with the step, but I am going to make it anyway, cos there are so many things that I need God to do inside of me and I dont know how else to do it but to give myself to him, and be vulnerable before him, that I may be strong wherever I go.

Yes, it is well with my soul. I will take a moment to weep, but i know, when i rise up, I will be bigger, better, and inspired.

Hey, God knows better. Nomatter how much we can try to make decisions for him, he knows better. So, whatever is going on inside of you, just know that God knows better.

Take care of yourself, as I try to take care of me.

As of the next post, I pray, the whole journey of what man can do will be looked at with the varied aspects we need to conquer in order to live lives with all humility, love, peace and joy in Christ.

I am in constant transformation, and am trusting God for me.

Lord Jesus, thank you for embracing me in my weakness, thank you for taking good care of me. Thank you for protecting me in all situations. But above all lord, thank you for the second touch. I am a sinner unto whom you have shown mercy. Thank you for that. Now teach me your way Lord, that I may walk in truth, and give me an undivided heart to fear your name. Amen.

Be blessed, and live life for God, and him only.