Ps 127:1Unless the Lord
builds the house, its builder’s labor in vain. NIV
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| Salt and pepper - two different yet complementing partners |
When two people enter a covenant called marriage, there are
always expectations – expressed or unexpressed. One of my bosses once said to
me, “You know what? Marriages normally start off on a false footing,” he said.
How so? I asked. His response got me thinking, is that where
the challenge of marriage begins or it develops over time? Is it some character
issue that was hidden from the other during courtship or it’s a character trait
that developed over time? Are our expectations for the other too high and
strict adherence to them would help one love better? Has society mis-trained
people to the extent of prematurely terminating marriages? Is marriage that
complicated and not as simple as previously thought? What went wrong, where?
Marriage is an institution where one is constantly learning,
and where one needs to tear open their tolerance jar. It is pointless to have
limitations to your tolerance levels when you decide to enter marriage because
the challenges one faces in it can break you.
God urges husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the
Church (Ephesians 5: 25). Wives are called to submit to their husbands as to
the Lord, in everything (Ephesians 5:22.24). All this looks simple on the outset,
which is why researchers have found that most people in marriage desire out.
Some are held in by their positions in society, others by the children they
sired, others because they fear God and others simply because it is better to
be with someone than to be alone!
It is really sad that I have encountered young single parents
who lasted barely a year in marriage. Young women abandoned by their
sweethearts to take care of a child just because the boy wasn’t ready, young
men who are frustrated to the last bone by the woman who did not turn out to be
who they thought they were. The reasons vary from immaturity, poor decision
making, and lack of good advice, too much expectation, pride and infidelity.
I have also witnessed bitter wives, who are hanging in there
for the sake of the children, or to make the man at least make provisions for
what he sired. Women who are no longer praying for their marriages, but rather
that God may tear those marriages apart. Women who no longer put effort in
themselves because the one person they thought would believe in them stopped
encouraging them the day they got married. Women who are so heartbroken if
there was an outlet, they would be out of this “God-forsaken” institution called
marriage.
I have seen women who call themselves single mothers, yet be
married. They have an absentee husband, one who pitches up when they remember
they left someone back home.
Even then, I have heard of men who have had to struggle with
the children, while the wife enjoys themselves. Husbands who have absolutely no
say in what the wife does. A husband who has a wife, who challenges his every
decision, even ignores his every directive and goes their own ways. I have seen
men seek solutions on how to deal with challenges they face in their marriage,
where they have become clueless on how to lead their own homes – they have an
Alpha female in their homes.
I have seen men who are unable to make decisions in the
workplace because the ghost of their wives haunts them everywhere, reducing a
man to a mere brainless object for purposes of control.
I have also seen women lose money to their husbands because
the moment they make a few cents the husband is there with an excuse to take
that money away all for control purposes – once she has no money of her own,
she will not go anywhere even when he abuses her. He has to be giving her the
money, not her making any money! So no matter how passionate you are about
working, because you are their wife, you will not work! However, the bible
points us to the Proverbs 31 - a virtuous wife, who is useful in the household
much to the glory of the husband.
One marriage is different from another, and there can never
be a one size fits all solution to the many troubles of marriage. The challenge
is in understanding that marriage is a play field, no rehearsal, chucked right
into the game and we are expected to win!
The idea of marriage is enthralling to many a young person,
because the joy experienced of missing someone, yearning for someone, desiring
to be in their presence is too tempting to walk away from a marriage
proposition. Finally, one gets to spend eternity with that man/woman who made
them fail to sleep on one too many occasions, indulging in that endless
conversation that stretched into the wee hours of the morning. Indeed, why not
marry the person and live forever in the intimate feel of these raging emotions
of what we term LOVE?
Fast forward to a year, five, ten later and you realise that
innocent man and woman who walked down the aisle, if you managed to do that,
are no longer the same.
The reality of marriage has molded them into another being,
not easily recognizable. If it’s a good marriage, they exude a certain
sweetness and confidence that was otherwise missing before. If it is a bad one,
they have too many scars that draw every last bit of their smile, joy and
gladness. They are surrounded by a dark cloud, many regrets raging their minds.
Why would someone once so sweet and innocent be so exposed in
an otherwise sacred institution called marriage? Why would that couple that
looked promising and suited for each other be so broken in the marriage
institution?
Indeed, there is only one constant factor in the
whole marriage puzzle, and that is God!
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